It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
