can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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