nut hugger
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
