Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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