Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
So many bounce houses so little time
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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