MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
