tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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