I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize
