"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
