Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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