3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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