A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
