I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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