Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
my sisters under your porch take her home
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
