Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
