I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You have to summon your inner elephant
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
