Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
