You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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