John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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