walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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