Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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