His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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