the condom got lost in my hair
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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