Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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