Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
