i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
