Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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