GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
