I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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