I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
you didnt know i had herpes?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
