worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
