Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
