I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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