chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
