do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Dicks are not precious.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
