Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize