I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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