i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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