Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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