I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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