Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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