I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
