$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
