I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
