Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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