I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize