Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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