alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
