i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize