My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
