Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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