.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
