Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
you had me at cake vodka
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
