John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
