it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
