I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
