i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
