totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
