Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
