we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
